Tagged with #venting
This has been an emotionally tiring week for me (along with the rest of the world). I have been on constant level 10 depression & anxiety since last weekend. First with everything that is happening in Ferguson & watching that video clip of the f’n cops shooting rubber bullets into the crowd (tip: don’t google the damage a rubber bullet can do … it’s heartbreaking). Reminding me how there are still so many racists around. And it’s just bringing to the surface how fucking much I can’t stand when my friends basically erase the half of me that is black because apparently I’m not “black” enough. Then Robin Williams passing and all the negative remarks to those with mental health issues which I take very personally. Long work days and little pay since it’s the husband whose been paying me this month. Hearing that the legendary Jay Adams passed today at only 53 … which makes me worry even more about my mom & her health issues. Counting down the days (5) until my biffle’s double mastectomy & still not knowing if her heart is strong enough for the surgery. Basically having no communication with any of my closest friends for over a week (aside from biffle) because, well, I don’t even know what’s going on with them. And then to top it all off, when we were at the petting zoo today the 9 y/o I watch said something that hurt me so much that now that I’m home & processing it, I’m literally in tears. And this while I’m trying to do something nice with them. I know he didn’t mean it maliciously but it has me never wanting to leave my apartment or be seen by anyone. I’m trying so hard not to do the one thing that I want to do so very badly to my face and it’s taking all my emotional & mental strength (which isn’t much to begin with). And I have no one. And I’m just so over …everything. I feel like I try and try and try to be a good person / friend / employer but no matter how hard I try I seem to fail and am just not good enough.
Everyone is slipping away and I’m left grasping. I’m not doing it anymore. If you’re a “friend” and you have no clue what is going on in my life because you don’t bother to ask, then you’re not a real friend. If you’re a “friend” that I have to constantly ask you about your life but you never tell me anything, then you’re not a real friend. If you’re a “friend” who does nothing but talk about yourself, then you’re not a real friend. And I’m done. I’m going back to what works. If you don’t want to be in my life, then I don’t want you in it and I’m not going to keep trying because it’s the “nice thing to do”. Even if that leaves me with no one.
This blog was a mistake. Getting things “off my chest” has not helped at all. Trying to hold on to relationships was a mistake. Therapy was a mistake. Medication was a mistake. Within a month, I’ve lost my entire mental health team: psychiatrist, therapist, case manager. I’m taking that as a sign. I’m done with all of it.
|The biggest mistake I have made in my life is ‘friends’ stay in my life far longer than they deserve. |
-- (via icanrelateto)
Tagged with #most accurate quote ever #this is why i stay away from relationships #and a lot of times new friendships #because i know myself and i self sabotage
|I have ruined relationships for fear of ruining those relationships. |
-- Neil Hilborn (via spookymoonparty)